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New Call-in Show: Ask Dr. Donald

Updated: Mar 8, 2020

President Trump says he may "have a natural ability" to absorb detailed scientific information, like what's going on with the coronavirus, so that should make us all feel better. Especially since he's now available on a new call-in show, "Ask Dr. Donald," on Faux News.

In fact, it seems that Trump has excellent credentials to help diagnose and treat the

"coronavirus flu," as he calls it, because his uncle, Dr. John Trump, "was a great professor at MIT," so all of that brilliance simply must run in his veins.

So, "Dr. Donald" has launched this new Faux News program so he can help the worried citizenry cope with the coronavirus pandemic. He stands ready, willing, if not able, to answer any and all of your questions.

The first episode, hosted from his sun splashed Mara Lago golf resort just yesterday offered plenty of sage advice and promises great things to come. Here's the transcript:

Caller One: " I'm a 75-year-old widow living in Seattle, and I desperately need to go to the grocery store. I don't drive and the gentleman who usually takes me to the store is in the hospital with respiratory problems. What should I do?"

Dr. Donald: "No worries, ma'am, just hop on the bus and go to the store. Remember not to get near anybody who's coughing or sneezing, and don't touch any of those shiny poles I see people hanging onto. Be sure to wipe down your seat with a Clorox wipe before you sit down. And wipe down the shopping cart before you use it. Otherwise, the chances of you catching this thing are pretty slim, and even if you do get it, there's a less than 5 percent chance that you'll die. Ya gotta eat, and if you don't you will die."

Caller Two: "Dr. Donald, I sure hope you can help me. I work in the tourist industry -- in fact, I'm a chef on a cruise ship -- but our cruises have been cancelled and I have no income. I need to feed my family and pay my mortgage. And what if they get sick? I can't afford health insurance. What am I supposed to do?"

Dr. Donald: "You'll be fine, sir. This thing will be gone by April, and besides, we're probably going to give the cruise, airline and hotel industries a nice fat tax break because of the losses they are sustaining. I'm certain they'll make sure you get a piece of that action. Just hang in there."

After Caller Two, there was a commercial to promote an upcoming interview with Sean Hannity, during which Faux News predicts Dr. Donald will announce the new coronavirus vaccine that he, himself, invented in his bathroom over the past week. "It will be very beautiful," intoned the Fox announcer. "It will be perfect."

Then, it was back to Dr. Donald.

"Did you see that commercial? There really was nothing to whipping up that vaccine. I really have a talent for this kind of stuff, and the doctors and other scientists are amazed. This was supposed to take a year to perfect, what with clinical trials and all that. In fact, that Dr. Fauci said it would take a year to a year and a half to come up with a vaccine, and I did it in a week in my bathroom sink. And no clinical trials will be needed because it's so perfect and beautiful. Now, let's get back to our callers."

Caller Three: Will these be affordable, Dr. Donald? Are we going to be able to afford having these tests? Will they be covered by health insurance and Medicare?

Dr. Donald: Well, these beautiful tests will carry the famous Trump brand, which will make them extremely valuable. Once the vials are used, they can be retained as a Keep America Great collectable. So it depends what you consider to be affordable, but we're looking at $1,000 per test kit. Will that be covered by health insurance and Medicare? How the hell should I know?

Caller Four: "Dr. Donald, they say if you've had a flu shot it might help if you get the coronavirus. I haven't gotten one yet because I'm afraid it will make me sick. But now I'm thinking maybe I should. What's your advice?"

Dr. Donald: "Well, I've never had the flu shot, and I've never had the flu. I just don't like injecting bad stuff into my body. But that's just me. I'm lucky to have great genes, maybe the best genes in the history of genes, and that's why I never get the flu."

Caller Four: "That's great, Dr. Donald, but what about me? I've had the flu before, but I just don't like to get shots."

Dr. Donald: "Well, they say it might help. But remember, it's already March and this thing is going to be gone by early April, so if you just sit around, don't mix with people, and use sanitary wipes on your doorknobs, you can probably avoid catching this thing. It might be a little bit inconvenient, but if you get hungry, you can always send out for pizza."

Caller Five: "Dr. Donald, what do I do? My boss insists that I come into work and says if I don't I'll get fired. I need my job. I have 10 kids to feed because we don't believe in contraception. And where I work, I'm always in touch with dozens of people almost every day. I'm really upset."

Dr. Donald: "First, of all, pal, you need to keep that thing zipped up. Surely, you don't expect help from the government with all those kids! Remember, abstinence is the best prevention, but I guess that advice is a little late for you! As for your work, just remember this: the company has a right to set its own rules and have its own requirements -- unless you are in a union. Are you in a union?

Caller Five: "No sir, I live in South Carolina and we can't have unions here."

Dr. Donald: "That's great! You have a great senator there in South Carolina, my friend Lindsey Graham. He'll take care of you. Have a great day!"

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