Vice President Pence and his wife, Karen Sue, had lunch recently with the prime minister (Taoiseach) of Ireland Leo Varadkar, who is openly gay, and his partner, Dr. Mike Barrett, proving -- according to a White House aide -- that Pence is not anti-gay.
Here's the tweet by White House Deputy Press Secretary Judd Deere:
I was really happy to see Deere's assurances about Pence, given his long track record of anti-gay and homophobic actions. After all, when he was Indiana's governor, Pence fought against the rights of same-sex couples who had married outside the state, and he signed a law legalizing discrimination by businesses based on sex.
Moreover, as congressman, Pence suggested that American society could be harmed by the normalization of gay and lesbian relationships, a view that is often pushed by opponents of marriage equality.
But, maybe the guy is joining the 21st Century, I thought, and is recognizing that human beings are the way they are just because they are, and that's OK.
Disclaimer: The following is purely from my imagination and is meant only as satire.Yes, it qualifies as "fake news."
But then I heard through my highly reliable inside sources at the White House that Pence has been a nervous wreck since the encounter with Varadkar and Barrett.
"If you shake their hand, does it rub off?" he was heard to ask a particularly macho Secret Service agent standing nearby?
"I don't think so," the agent replied, "but maybe you better check with the doctor."
So, according to my very reliable and secret unnamed sources -- more than one -- at the White House -- sources who work in the inner sanctum of the West Wing -- Pence went to see President Trump's personal physician, Dr. Harold Nelson Bornstein, a gastroenterologist.
Dr. Bornstein, I'm reliably told, assured Pence that he would be fine, that "gayness" doesn't rub off. At least not by shaking hands. I guess gastroenterologists know these things.
Pence was extremely relieved, my sources said, but just to be sure, he took Karen Sue to Victoria Secrets so she could buy some sexy underwear, some baby doll pjs, and a couple hot looking negligees. The macho man Secret Service agent helped pick them out.
"That should do it," the agent told Pence. "Good move, Mr. Vice-President. If you got anything from that guy by shaking his hand, that sexy stuff you bought Karen Sue should Trump it."
The vice-president breathed a sign of relief.
"Whew," he said, "I was really worried. Wouldn't want anybody to get the wrong idea about me."
Disclaimer: The above is purely from my imagination and is meant only as satire. Yes, it qualifies as "fake news," although the part about the lunch and Pence's anti-gay record is true.